I think it's fascinating how our memories are often tied to specific triggers or links, like mental shortcuts that help us recall various moments from our past. It's almost as if our brains have created a mental playlist, where a particular song, smell, or sensation can instantly transport us back to a specific time and place. These associations can be very powerful, so much so that it makes it very easy to relive memories with remarkable clarity.
For example, like the way I can't remember the colour of the clothes I wore yesterday, but I remember the smell of the peppered fish my roommate had battled with. The smell had wafted sneakily into my nostrils as I forced myself to dress up for class that day. The peppered fish had also not only smelt like mashed fillings in a fish roll but it had as well choked my senses, such that I wondered how much pepper exactly she had put into it, and how it most likely now looked like the watered down red shirt I had been shoving over my shoulders. This way, I can better remember the details of that morning and the outfit I had put on.
I doubt I've explained this properly, but to me, this is how it feels with songs I've somehow attached to the memories I've been able to create with the people I've met at one point or another. To me, songs are a testament to the phases, experiences, emotions and events I've lived through in life; so to say an exaggerated extension of me and all I am. Think of it like having a song for every fun memory you can remember or for every serious heartbreak you've had to deal with; just like "Bibanke" by Asa reminds me of that one cold morning I spent outside with Toms because she had been so eager to increase her steps. I had been dressed in a hoodie that had also been soaked under a black and white jacket; and for the life of me I can never understand why I had still almost frozen to death despite my precautions or the reassurances from her. She had repeated one too many times how the heat from walking would be sufficient enough to keep me warm; she had lied and I had believed. Instead, there had been fog everywhere that married with the dew dancing carelessly on the flowers and leaves around us. We had walked and walked till 7am, and even though my whole body had ached badly, I had still enjoyed the outing. So when I hear "Bibanke" play anywhere, my chest feels warm again the same way I had felt that day when we had laughed and made jokes about ending up in a horror movie situation come true in real life.
Safe to say, I like my memories like this; always connected to something I can always easily reach out for. I feel I can hold on to them better in this manner. This is the way I remember past loves through the songs that resonated with our stories- good or bad, their memories are etched in my mind and tied to every relatable lyric.
With every song I picked to dance to every made up scenario in my head, or cried to every heartbreak that had hurt my chest much more that I'd like to admit; I've always had a piece of me following closely behind, like a representation of the person I had been then. It ranged from the me that been too guarded up, to the me that hadn't cared enough and cared too much at the same time, to the me that had been afraid of commitments and now finally, to the me that would look at present me and cry with relief because we really have come a long way.
As I sit here, mesmerized by Asa's soulful melodies, I'm inspired to reflect on the boys who've left an indelible mark on my heart. And so, I dedicate this post to all the boys I've loved before - and to everyone else who's taking their time out to read this. Just like Asa's songs, each of you has thrilled my heart in ways that I now smile upon and I'd like to share the playlist of my memories with you, starting with the one who tops my list: October.
I'm laughing as I write this because unexpectedly, October has been quite a constant figure on this list. My song for October had been "Memories" by Ayra Starr. For whatever reason I had picked this song, I do not know. But what I do know is that when I hear "Memories", I think Of Me, October, and the countless walks I had taken down our street because I had been desperate to meet or even catch a glimpse of him.
October always reminds me of sweet 2019. I was 18, young, illogical and had a thing for this boy next door who was 6'3 and looked like the colour of warm melted dark chocolate. When he smiled, his lips gently slid backwards and exposed his gapped tooth which I found rather cute on him. I had imagined our kids would have a much wider diastema because I had one as well and that at the time worried me. I think it's quite clear already how much I dislike my own diastema, but nonetheless, none of that stopped me when it came to October. How could it when every time I peeped from my gate and watched him walk out briefly from his house shirtless, I caught my heart doing somersaults over again. Besides, whenever he laughed, it sounded like the kind of laughter that bubbled out beautifully from his chest and made him look happier and lighter than his tall broad frame. Even now, I can't help but smile as I think of how October looks when he does the thing where he puts his right pinky between his teeth and stares deeply at me like a child who wants nothing else but to hold me. I smile because I know how weak this could make me if I wasn't careful. But I am.
Living next door to October, I had developed the habit of constantly changing my outfits every time he passed or visited my brother, who he was friends with. I had wanted October to really notice me, and he did. October was the first one who taught me what rejection really looked like, and regardless of the pull that had so often dragged us both together, I had found out October was scared. Then I had thought he was intimated by me because October loved to tell me how I reminded him of Valkyrie from the Marvel Comics series, a comparison I had found flattering till he had voiced how he thought I might've been too hotheaded for his rather calm and unproblematic self. But contrary to expectation, October had been scared because he hadn't trusted me. To be fair, October's trust issues were universal, so I had no choice but to pack my bags and head off to school, leaving behind the shattered remnants of my long-held crush.
These days, I still see October from time to time. I still notice and ignore the pull that is ever so determined to remain in it's place, given that things are not the same. Although October looks like a man now (and this will always amuse me), something tells me he might just be the same boy who's still stuck in 2019; anxious and scared about things ending without even trying first. October might still be October but I know I'm not me again; I'm not 18 anymore, and I know now how life is too fleeting to be too scared or worried to do the things you want to do or the things that make you happy.
For obvious reasons and according to the right order, May has to come next. When I think of May, what first comes to mind is "I won't give up" by Jason Mraz. May had made me listen to this song and I know what I'll say next might sound off to a lot of people, but I know I'll always be tempted to add this song to my wedding playlist because the song feels like mine now rather than ours (I might have to battle May for rights to this but still, I know I'll win).
My history with May stretches beyond his towering 6'7 height, but for the sake of brevity, I'll say that May was a rollercoaster- a wild ride of joy and terror, exhilaration and dread. I still find it all hard to explain, maybe not hard I guess, I think I just don't know how to explain May or where to put May or what to classify May as, but May to me had been the first one I had admittedly loved with all of my heart. May had been a friend, a good friend, and I think that's why the whole situation with May had hurt the most because in my head, May was my end game. I think with May, the song accurately defined the worth of his whole existence to me and I could swear that I had meant every word then. I could also have sworn that Jason Mraz dedicated that song to us because I strongly believed the song was meant for just me and May.
Where October had initially been bothered by how hot I was, May on the other hand was completely comfortable with every bit of me and I loved this the most. He had embraced me entirely whether I was hot, cold or luke warm. Just like in the scene in Teen Wolf where Parrish the Hellhound comes to save Lydia from the evil Dr Valack because he's the only one who can stand her screams and cross the barrier of mountain ash stopping the others from getting to her. That's what May was to me, May was my hellhound and I was a loud banshee who needed only May to calm me down. This too is a sad realization because Parrish and Lydia did not end up together either.
Though May is an amazing person, he is still one of the sassiest men alive, yet always a rock, consistently there to support and comfort me over the years. From when he had helped me through a phase where I barely recognized myself and was a complete mess stuck in one too many depressive episodes, to still helping me count my breaths now when life gets too heavy and I can't breathe- even when he claims to have better things to do. May has always been there, patient, and gentle and kind. Quite frankly, I don't think I've met another that understood me the way May did, not yet at least. I honestly believe that man might be a wizard (I wouldn't be surprised).
It took a lot of songs to move on completely from May and I had feared a part of me had been lost with May. It had felt like losing the pillar that held my building upright, and when he left, I collapsed terribly. It still scares me how much I had been attached to May. This is why in all honesty, God should be the most important pillar in your life because he's never really going anywhere. It took me a whole lot to get this but now I do, I know better now after July too.
Another song that makes me think of May has to be "You were good to me" by Jeremy Zucker and Chelsea Cutler (I stole this one also from May but he doesn't know that). I can't count how many times I cried to this song. I cried to this so much that when I play this song now, I feel all those emotions again, just as intensely as I had 2 plus years ago; but this time it's not in a bad overwhelming way, it's rather in a way where I think things like "Damn, I survived that storm".
May had been the one who had shown me what it truly felt like to watch your heart break into pieces you can't put back together because you're completely lost. I had tried and failed initially, but with God, more tears, Giveon and July, I succeeded. Only now, there was July and things I had not expected or planned.
This brings me to July. And I hate to say it but July was a solution turned problem for me. I say this playfully, but then, not only was he unplanned and unexpected, July was quite necessary. I met July at a time where I was in my 'You only live once' and 'I'm going to get over him now' phase. I was 21, and already tired of crying about May so why not? I thought. Why stay stuck on one man when you could take a breather and move on properly, and so began the escapade with July. I think July would prefer to call 'us' an experiment instead. And you'd think I was smart enough to run when I heard this? Oh no, I wasn't. I stayed in that experiment till the experiment ended and almost finished me (cries out and almost dies out of shame).
If I follow the criteria vital to be on this list then July would not be on here, not because of anything bad but because as hard as I'm currently thinking right now, I cannot reconcile any memory of Me and July or of July himself with any song. This is weird to me because I thought I had been obsessed with July and even as a lot of things had been chaotic; I had assumed we still had good enough memories stored in my head. But somehow, July has no song to him and I'm awfully baffled by this. Maybe it was because I had been mentally stressed 70-90% of the time while with July or because July never liked the songs I did or maybe there had just been too many bad memories compared to good that my brain intentionally blocked any nostalgic thoughts of July. You know like how an event is too traumatic for you so your brain intentionally deletes or hides the memory somewhere deep down so you can't find it. Even as I still continue to try now to describe July to you or paint his face or the dreadful enigma that July was, I fail terribly because it feels as if my brain is persistently fighting me and giving me warnings about how to let the memories of July stay buried and dead for as long as they can. As if the moment I remember any specific detail of July or bring back any moment with July I might fall sick again. So for the sake of my health, there will be little to no description about July himself.
But July still has to make the list and he does so because July signified both an important change in my choices. He also resulted in a massive shift in my faith. This is why I still conclude that July was indeed requisite. Not because I had a lot of fun memories to remember him by or because part of me still lingered with him, no, absolutely not. If it were up to me, I'd steer clear from July and never go through that phase ever again if given the opportunity. But because it was key to my growth, I'd have had no choice but to still do it all again, only because without that, I would not be who I am or be where I'm at today. So shout out to God for that terrifying character development, please, I beg of you, never again. The only song I can remember when it comes to July is "Frames" by Wizkid and this is due to the fact that this song was my favorite as at the time my experiment with July began.
Last on my list (inserts drum roll if you've made it this far) is August!
Notwithstanding August's end, I must confess,that for the first time in three years, August revived my memories of what it felt like to secretly crush on a boy I wasn't sure liked me back.
This will sound silly but I've felt too old for a while now, too serious, too specific, too tactical and logical because that's what the streets require, but surprisingly, August brought back the shy, giggly girl who was content with blushing at a boy's touch. I'm not ashamed to say I felt like the female lead in a romantic teenage kdrama series anytime I was with August.
August felt like a ray of sunshine and smelt like cherry lollipops. With August I had been completely delusional (you can laugh, don't worry I'm laughing at me too). I had spent a good part of my time daydreaming about us in love and how beautiful our kids would be. It's sad that August was fleeting, but it reassured me my perfect love was very much possible; sweet, innocent and captivating. I'm happy and thankful for that because I know what I want all over again.
August's brief presence also showed me that pure joy and kindness still exists. The man was a beacon of happiness that was a breath of fresh air, a true embodiment of warmth and light. So when I hear Kotrell's "Smile for me", "Now and Always" and "Love you tomorrow", I remember how beautiful August looks like when he smiles, or how soft and cheerful his voice is when he speaks about the things he likes and how he makes you want to listen to him, or even how cozy his hugs feels like and how he makes you want to dance when you're near him because his energy just so happens to be that infectious.
August was always so nice that I promise you you'd have fallen too if you were in my shoes. One lesson I did learn from this experience is that genuine kindness is a rare find, and it's easy to mistake a kind heart for romantic intentions. In reality, they might just be a compassionate individual, not necessarily interested in anything more. (Also note, saying "I was just being nice" as an excuse isn't a justification for exploitation either. Please know the difference between an August and a Femi).
All in all, I heard a girl on TikTok say it's amazing how we haven't met all the people who are meant to love us in this life yet and the thought of this makes me truly happy because I'm excited and optimistic for what life has to offer me. While I cherish the memories I have now because they made me who I've become and I wouldn't trade them for anything, I'm indeed still happy for the experiences and encounters that are yet to come as I continue my journey in life. I'm glad that I've come so far and it's actually beautiful to see, I also can't wait to find more music to continue to paint my memories into what the future holds. I wish the best for everybody, and to all the boys I've loved before, and everybody reading this, I hope you enjoyed this one.
Oh in addition, I'd like to give an honorary mention to January who is one of the most talented people I've ever come across. Though my time is up and I might not be able to say much, I can at least say January is such a sweet and innocent soul that I'd hate to not mention him. I'll also leave you a playlist made just for you with a bonus track "Love me Jeje" by Tems added because that's my current obsession and basically a representation of where I'm at with everything; happy and in love with life and love really. I really do hope you all feel as confident as I feel about the things coming your way. Be happy, live life to the fullest and always trust God because it is he who gives and takes and he has so much more to add to you and your life. So be glad and content and enjoy the ride with him by your side. Until we meet again, it's been your favorite semi-miniature human and I hope to see you soon!
This reads like a warm, soft, fluffy blanket on a cold rainy day paired with the richest, sweetest hot chocolate. Also, fuck July!😒
I read this and somewhere along the line, I was wishing there was a January in your story. Glad I got my wish.